Close up Hands Tea x

Sit a bit and hear some observational stories I’ve been steeping.

As Seen on TV!

As Seen on TV!

As Seen on TV!

It seems I might have watched too much TV and overdosed as a kid, because I’ve never really watched it as an adult.  This simple fact has made me VERY unpopular in the company of some people who actually are on television (some of them bonfide “Stars”) when they discover I have absolutely no idea who they are or what shows they’ve been on.  [My sincerest apologies go out to that lady who was a big time trainer on the “Biggest Loser” and not actually a loser herself, when I complimented her on what must have been an amazing transformation, when she told me what show she was on.  Oops.]

Despite not watching it very often, there is a very large boob tube taking up 1/3 of my den and I am, from time to time, compelled to turn the darned thing on — usually, during Fire, Flood, Mud or Earthquake Season (see, we don’t have those other traditional seasons, like autumn, here in Southern California).  It often makes me a pariah in social circles because I’m never up on which Dancing Idol Survivor got voted off the week prior or what (or who) Don Draper is doing and Breaking Bad means nothing more to me than what I do to discipline the neighbor’s cat who thinks it is okay to stalk the birds who frequent my feeders.  I not proud, but I can’t participate in water cooler conversations about latest episodes and who finally turned out to be the mother that that cute Muppet actor took multiple seasons to meet.  On the plus side, I won’t be your spoiler alert, either.

The funny thing is, as much as people talk about it — I don’t miss television.   Furthermore, I don’t think I’m missing anything by not even caring exactly where in the depths of the sofa the remote might be.  That is… until I pass the As Seen on TV! aisle at my local drug store.  Have you SEEN the things they apparently are advertising on TV?!  I stand in front of the products offered and I feel like I’ve been deprived by not watching infomercials or ads for stuff like this:

Neck Magic Air Cushion – See the above image.  Scary, right?  It is supposed to gently expand to 5½  inches to help a person alleviate neck, head and shoulder stiffness – but it looks suspiciously like those National Geographic photos of the women who gradually put brass coil rings around their necks to give the illusion of length as they push their collar bones down and compress their rib cages.  I’m intrigued, but also very afraid.

The Head Wedgie – Oh, come on!  The package describes this as the “ultimate headrest solution,” for anyone, any age, who “needs some support.”  An actual wedgie might not be as comfortable as they claim this baby to be, but I think both will get you made fun of.  No matter how young or old you are.

Sauna Pants – I can’t even bring myself to type what I want to say about this wacky product.  Let me let them describe what they say it will (*ahem* could) do for you.  Sauna Pants brings you the benefits of a heat sauna in the “area you need it most” (WTW?) they go on to say it will “help you shed water and potentially lose weight.”  Oh, mercy.  You wear that when the UPS man comes to the door and I guaran-dang-tee you that one of you will be shedding water from weeing in pants, sauna or otherwise.  Honestly… just saying the name three times fast makes me laugh to the point of water loss.

Some of the As Seen on TV! items I just like the names of:

Sticky Buddy – I didn’t even stop to see what this was all about.  It just sounds like time spent with an active toddler and a leaky juice box.

Groutinator – Wha?  Who is to say if this product is on a Clean or Destroy mission.  One way or another, I’m pretty sure someone’s tile is going down.

Foamzing – This, I just wanna say when my next latte arrives at the barista counter.

Goody Hoody – Could be clothing?  Perhaps it’s the dodgy part of Angeltown?  [After all, some people might deserve to go to heaven, but you and I both know they’re gonna stir stuff up.]

Squeezy Freezy – Something to leave you in need of the Goody Hoody, maybe?

There’s a whole bunch of other stuff that must have been named on a slow, poorly ventilated day in the planning department:  Choptastic!  Chip-tastic!  Heel-tastic!  Bra-tastic!  Wraptastic!  It’s a shame that my brain insists on adding craptastic to the list.  It’s not their fault.

Like everyone else in the TMZ (Thirty Mile Zone) from Hollywood’s epicenter, I routinely throw my hat in the ring, hoping to land on a screen near you.  When and if I do, I’m thinking I might like to make a t-shirt (or maybe a Goody Hoody) that says As Seen on TV! but if you’re like me and you don’t watch television, I’ll understand if you don’t recognize me.  Or my Sauna Pants.

***

“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” – Frank Lloyd Wright

“I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence.  They got one marked “brightness” but it don’t work, does it?” – Leo Anthony Gallagher

“Hooray for Hollywood, that screwy ballyhooey Hollywood.

Where any office boy or young mechanic can be a panic, with just a good looking pan

And any barmaid can be a star maid if she dances with or without a fan.” – Johnny Mercer

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